...

Today it feels as if something as heavy as a bear has settled upon me. A sleepy, heavy bear. There is no real reason for heaviness right now, and yet a slowed-down perception of the world accompanies every step of this morning. My eyelids feel thick, and all I want to do is sleep. I find myself wondering at people who can chatter loudly or do heavy work at this hour. Behind the café window, one man is paving the sidewalk, another is pushing a wheelbarrow filled with gravel. They seem to belong to a parallel reality. Unreal figures hurrying past the glass, each absorbed in his own world and game. I sit and watch. That is all I can do this morning — be an observer, quietly marveling at what unfolds beyond the window. I have no strength for anything else. And that is alright. For this morning, it is enough.

Not far away, an elderly woman stands with bouquets of tulips and daffodils. Bright, beautiful colors. They tempt a smile out of me. I want to smile. Young people are immersed in the depths of their phones, not even lifting their heads toward the colors. I do not even have the energy to pick up my own phone, let alone do anything with it. It feels good in this bear-like heaviness and calm. A strange kind of bear’s peace. Unusual to feel it in every cell of my body. It has been a long time since I felt this way. I am learning not to resist it. I know it will shift again soon.

The brief flash of the old woman’s flowers already drew a smile from me — and that means something in the future has already changed. Bears can smile too, despite their winter sleep. Perhaps they even smile in their dreams. Who knows? Right now I am smiling, unable to stop. Maybe I look foolish — sitting here, writing and smiling in the early morning light of an almost empty café, sipping lukewarm coffee and enjoying raspberry cake. Bears like raspberries…

Truth be told, I meant to write about something entirely different...

31.01.2025.