...

Solstice time. Christmas time. The end of the year — a natural moment to look back at all that has unfolded. It feels as though this year I have passed through a stage of ultimate crystallization — one that refined me, stripped things away, reshaped me. At times, it even brushed against the feeling of hell itself. In such moments, it can seem as though these changes and releases will never end — as if they are endless processes stretching into infinity.

Yesterday, a memory returned — the moment when all of this truly began, many years ago. Back then, only one question echoed within me: Who am I? Not superficially — but to the bone, to the very core of my being. The resonance it created seemed to vibrate through every layer of my existence. Unforgettable.And then it began… I could never have imagined that one small question would unleash an avalanche. It was as if the rope holding a raft to the shore had been cut, sending it into a river filled with relentless rapids. To keep it afloat on that journey, I had to keep throwing things overboard — the accumulated clutter and debris I had once believed I could carry with me. At times, I could barely hold onto the raft itself, as even the protective edges I leaned on were torn away by the rushing current. Confusion and incomprehension were my companions for a long stretch of that passage — until acceptance slowly began to take root, as I recognized the blessing carried by my river, rapids and all. Then I could sit down and grow still. I could see that the debris was long gone. That the raft was steady. Adapted to the curves of the river, as if it had been made precisely for this journey. It did not think about what waited beyond the next bend. It moved forward steadily into the unknown. And within me, trust began to grow. Later, surrender. The realization that this stretch of the journey could not have been walked on dry land. Yes, I could have wandered for ten or twenty more years, looking to the sky for answers — but this was the shortest path.
And it was one I had created myself. Created within me.

Has it become easier? Was it worth it? Absolutely. As trust opened, the river itself began to change — because I allowed myself to change. It grew calmer. Wider. There was nothing left to fight — not the current, not the rapids, not the old debris. The turbulence settled. And I began to observe. The raft. The river. Myself. And where I stand now. What I see is this: This final year of refinement has shaped new facets within me — ones I did not even know existed. And now they refract extraordinary beams of light, slowly illuminating the path ahead. I have no idea what waits beyond the next bend of the river. But deep within, I know it will be wondrous. And for now, that knowing is enough.

25.12.2025.