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I was far away again — so far it felt as if my heart might stop beating, as if life itself would cease to move through me. That far. Perhaps I still am. There is no strength in me. No desire. No passion. No movement. Only the damn mind thinking and thinking, driving me further into a barren inner wasteland. Everything feels compressed into the same flat tone — black and white. Maybe gray. I don’t know. I don’t care.

And then, suddenly, indescribably beautiful moments open — moments in which I feel so tender, so warm, so deeply with myself. In those moments I want to cry in gratitude, even though the tears have long since run dry. For a brief instant, I am here again. Home. I take a breath — and then, with wild speed, the gray essence of the old world pulls me back in. Without mercy. Back to the place where the mind thinks nonstop, where thoughts are taken as self and from them reality is shaped.

The strangest part is that I know this. I am aware of it. And yet right now it cannot be controlled — only observed. Only observed. What to do with it — that is mine to decide. Where to be. How to be. What to create. What to allow. And for how long. Not through control, but through trust. Completely differently. None of this can be “worked through.” None of it. Only to observe myself and see what still serves me there and what I am gaining from it. These programs reveal themselves so beautifully — if I allow myself to see them. The secondary gain.

Mostly, this story is about trusting myself. About smallness and victimhood. About taking responsibility. Do I still need that? Really? In theory, everything has long been clear. Now it feels like an exam. Funny. An exam I arranged for myself. So be it. I simply breathe through it. And those beautiful moments of light are like fine but steady threads leading home — reminding me that home is here. Right here. All it takes is choosing, and they open like a path, like breath, like endless space and light. Only trust. And that responsibility has expanded into something entirely different, opening within me a new way of seeing. So beautiful. So simple. I am already here.

Vasara 2024